Yesterday was my birthday.
I received so many birthday wishes, from both friends and family,
as well as some pretty amazing and thoughtful gifts.
The weather was even perfect today- sunny and warm.
I was able to even eat a cupcake, although it took me about 6 hours to finish it.
There’s something very nostalgic about birthdays. I dunno what it is about this “special day” but it’s like somewhere inside of you says, “maybe now you should reevaluate your life because your older or wiser than you were [only] yesterday”. Am I honestly any wiser today? Even if I was, wouldn’t the same hold true then for every other day throughout the year and not just on the anniversary of our births? Still, I found myself last night looking back over my life over the years; about all that has come and all that has gone. Again, very bittersweet.
Birthdays were always such a big to-do when I was younger. As you get older, though, they just don’t mean the same as they once did. Add ongoing symptoms, new medications (again), and enlarged lymph nodes for seemingly no reason and it makes partying on your birthday nearly impossible. Plus, I’m tired. Plain and simple. T-I-R-E-D. Rest at this point is like an unexpected gift all on its own.
Obviously, I wasn’t up for much this year. In fact, I wasn’t up for anything last year either, although it felt more understandable – at least in my own head, anyway. I was just getting back to work after being on medical leave for a month, despite still being sick and undiagnosed at the time. I was still fighting insurance and undergoing nonstop medical testing. Yet, here I am – a year later, still is nearly the same position (sigh).
I can’t shake the feeling that there was supposed to be something more. That, somehow, this year was going to be different and 2016 was going to be MY year. I honestly felt guilty that I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday as weird as that sounds – like I was a disappointment because of it. I felt guilty that I didn’t want to do anything as if I was a disappointing everyone by not doing something super-spectacular to celebrate this year.
“What did you do for your birthday today?”
“Oh, you know. I got to sleep in. That was nice. Then I ran a couple errands with my husband. I didn’t work on too much homework today. I tried not to focus on any healthcare stuff. You know, I really gave myself a break today. I even ate a cupcake – It really was a great day.”
“So, you didn’t do anything…?
It’s not like no one offered, of course. It’s just that doing nearly anything these days feels like a chore. My stomach always hurts, my hair keeps falling out, I can’t drive anywhere anymore, my lymph nodes are swollen, I can’t eat anything, and the new meds make me so dizzy and I’ve been having extreme vertigo in addition to the all the other “normal” (a.k.a. everyday) symptoms. Plus, I keep falling over. It’s embarassing. I have a nice bump on my forehead from “kissing” the wall the other night while trying to go up the stairs (I guess the wall wanted to wish me a happy birthday too!). Regardless, today was exactly what I needed and asked for this year. To me, it was the perfect birthday.
A very merry dysautonomic birthday, indeed.
Among a ton of really good gifts, I also received some dysautonomia gear that followed along with this year’s dysautonomia birthday theme, including the following:
Like I said, it really was a great day.
The good days are hard to come by lately,
so thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday.