On this very Christmas night…

Dear Santa,

I know it’s late and  that you’ve already had a really long night, but I was hoping that maybe you had time for just one more Christmas wish this year. I know that I had originally asked to have surgery for Christmas this year, but I think I’ve changed my mind… at least until I don’t have any doubts, anyway.

I do hope that it’s not too late to change my wish for this year.

As much as I would love a cure for my illness or even a little less pain in the upcoming year, as any patient with a chronic illness would, that’s not my Christmas wish either. Instead, I wish for something else entirely. Something I have never wished for before.

As I stare out the window tonight and gaze to the glowing full moon above that has blessed the world this Christmas, all I can think about is finding peace and happiness in my life once again.

You see, Santa, the last few months have been really hard and I’ve been in a constant state of pain, feeling both tired and sick, but mostly worried and fearful about what the future has in store for me – and it’s really begun to change me. I can’t laugh anymore, I don’t remember the last I smiled and actually meant it. I forget what it’s like to have fun.

My husband thinks I have lost my humor and my friends think I need even more of a break than what I’ve already done.

It’s been THAT kind of year.

And with the holidays approaching fast this year, I didn’t feel any magic in the coming holidays. Yet again, all I’ve felt is stress and fear.

Somewhere in the chaos of 2015,

I lost my ability to have faith and to believe.

So please, Santa, if you bring me anything  at all for Christmas this year – please bring me the HOPE and STRENGTH to make it through another year and the BELIEF that everything will be okay someday. Help me to find JOY in this life again because I am tired of being miserable all the time (and so is everyone else that is around me). I know this is asking for a lot, but I need a miracle at this point. Perhaps if  I felt like there was something good to live for again then I wouldn’t be so angry with myself for not being more or doing more. I that I can accept a life with chronic illness and everything that comes with it, but I don’t know how to do that without having some peace of mind.

I need to believe again.

As always, thank you for listening and I hope you have a very

Merry Christmas.


Nikki (The Undiagnosed Warrior)

“This night, we pray
Our lives, will show
This dream, he had
Each child, still knows”

Read more: Trans Siberian Orchestra – Christmas Canon Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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