Shatter every window till it’s all blown away

Living with a chronic illness is like surviving a bad storm.

Some storms blow in faster than others, almost unexpectedly.

The winds start to pick  up,  sweeping everything that you once knew away.

Some storms come in as a light drizzle, clouded by gray.

While others bring in the darkness, turning the day into night.

And you’ll never know what will be left behind once the storm is over.

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I was numb after I received the call from the cardiologist’s office.

Maybe I was just in shock. Or possibly in denial. I’m not sure.

It took until today to finally hit me, though.

And it felt as if I had been stricken down by a large bolt of lightning, riveting from the sky.

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Usually, abnormal test results don’t bother me. They typically lead to answers, bringing us closer to a diagnosis. More often than not, I pray for abnormal results. I wasn’t, however, prepared for what came back in the echocardiogram. It wasn’t good news.

With every word spoken, I watched my hopes and dreams  slowly wash away.

What does this mean as far as my current diagnoses?

How will this affect treatment?

What’s going to happen with my life?

There’s so much I have left to do and say.

Things that I want to fix.

To accomplish with my life.

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 Is it really as a big deal as it sounds? More than likely, yes. But nothing is definitive until I go for additional testing and confirm some more things. However, I can say that this news has given me the most doubt and fear  I’ve ever felt since I started my search for a diagnosis.

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It wasn’t until today, though, that the storm really started to roll in.

I didn’t want anyone to know how worried I really was, so I kept it all deep inside. As this morning went on, it was just one little thing after another. Over and over. The pressure inside me began to build until there was nothing left to do but explode.

The anger and sadness came out of nowhere, like a tornado in the sky.

I just want this all to be done and over with for good.

I don’t think I’ll survive through any more hard blows.

I can only hold out in this storm for so long.

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I’m not sure what to do at this point.

Or how to really handle this type of news.

I still haven’t told my family as of yet.

I’m not even sure whether I should tell anyone all.

How do you even bring up something like this?

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Would anyone even care? 

Would I be treated differently?

Will everything change?

Maybe. But maybe not. 

While I do know there are people out there who love and care for me more than I probably know,

I also know the way it hurts when someone that I love doesn’t seem to have the time

or the interest to know what is going on with my health and my illness.

 It was just today that I heard that someone close to me said that I’m addicted

to both stress and being chronically ill.

Don’t get me wrong, these words cut me pretty deep,

but I wonder if maybe it’s a result of putting myself out there for the world to see.

Knowing what I know now,

in addition to the people who make it abundantly clear they don’t care anymore,

Do I tell them now anyways or wait for them find out on their own?

It’s always the uncertainty in these types of decisions that scare me the most.

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Plus I don’t have any real answers at this point regarding what can be done about it, if anything at all. 

So maybe it’s best to keep it a secret, at least for now.

Or until  I get some more clear cut answers.

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For now, I just need to keep my focus

and not let my emotions get the best of me this time around.

My list of things I need to do is still a mile long,

and there is no time left to waste.

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It’s just too hard to see past all the rain sometimes.

But in the end,  I know that I can face the truth in what lies ahead for me

and that there will be some kind of light that follows shortly after the storm.

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